As some of you (if you know me) might have noticed, I have not really been myself lately. Over the past few months, I have allowed my faith to become nominal. I have only prayed when I have wanted to win a competition or needed money. I have ministered to my students with a half heart and not nearly enough concern. My commitment to my friends and loved ones has anything but consistent. And all the while, my struggles with certain addictions and sin have only increased in their intensities. God and I haven’t really spoken in a long time.
After having taken our students (from Park Hill) on a mission trip to a rescue mission in Memphis and a student conference in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, God has been at the front of my mind for a couple of days, convicting me and reminding me of what it meant to have real faith. True to form, I ignored him and continued to indulge in my normal sin. Then there was tonight -
I was driving home today after a long day of working for Randy Wright. I bought a couple of CDs at Lifeway earlier today; one was a Passion mix containing some great songs. I crossed the river on I-430 and began to hear these words:
He took my sin and sorrow. He made them his very own.
He bore my burden to Calvary and suffered and died alone.
How marvelous! How wonderful! And my song shall ever be.
How marvelous! How wonderful is my Savior’s love for me.
I began to tear up and soon my face was damp with tears. And then, I forwarded the CD to another song. And I heard these words:
Our God reigns. Our God reigns. Forever your kingdom reigns!
Our God reigns. Our God reigns. Forever your kingdom reigns!
I was sobbing uncontrollably and needed to pull over so that I wouldn’t wreck. I pulled over by the North Little Rock Airport and cried into my hands, broken by the Spirit of God, yet filled by his love with hope and anticipation of restoration. Wanting to prolong this sweet, emotional communion with God, I turned in my Bible to a familiar scripture:
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?…No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come. nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I cried some more for a while. Finally, I stopped. After many tears and broken syllables and a phone call to my brother, I stopped and drove the couple of minutes home.
And God showed me something through those tears. There are two kinds of sinners: those who sin because they are selfish and want to have “fun” and those who sin because it is their hope and sustenance. I have been the latter, often indulging in certain sins because they fill the hole in my heart (or so I have been thinking). The truth is, however, that sin is like duct tape - it works temporarily, but provides a lousy replacement for a real fixing and only complicates the later fixing of that problem.
God made it clear to me that his way, though I don’t completely understand it, is better for me. His power is more real than even my circumstances, which already stand to change because of my hope in Him. My Father ran after me and dusted me off. And now, that master carpenter will fix my broken life - not with duct tape or glue or other cheap adhesives, but with things that forever bind, like love, compassion, understanding, providence, and righteousness. What a wonderful Father I have.
I look forward to tomorrow.
SRay
