Stephen Anthony Ray

Sometimes, it takes a hurricane to make you thankful for the things you do have.

So…earlier today I was reading a review of the apartment complex I live in (Mainstream Apartments) in this Graduate Resources book they gave us at orientation today.  It was in the bad reviews section and read as follows:

“Big rooms and cheap, but a lot of murders”

For the love of God, please pray for me.

SRay

They say that baseball is a boy’s game.  This past weekend, it sure wasn’t.  It was the game of hateful, mean-spirited adults.  I umpired a game in a tournament in Sheridan, Arkansas this past Friday evening.  One of the teams contained players that I had umpired when they were young.  I recognized some of them and their parents, as well as the coach, an old acquaintance.  The amazing thing about being an umpire is that friendship with people that you only know through the sport is extremely temperamental, as I found out this weekend.  The team with the players I knew lost 4-2.  During the game, I received some of the rudest and most character defaming comments I’ve heard in my entire life.  In fact, as I continued to ignore them, some of the fans made comments impugning my intelligence, integrity, fairness, and ability to do my job.  I find it amazing that, somehow (tradition is partially responsible), it is socially acceptable to do to sports officials what a person could not do in any other life situation.  The foundation of “good” baseball these days is ambition, regardless of character.  That was more evident this past week than ever before.  For me, umpiring is a ministry - an opportunity to have a positive impact in the lives of these teenage guys.  However, this is one of the only days I can recall out of my entire career that fans and a coach really made it so personal.  Beyond the fans’ obvious immense measure of ignorant bias and being yelled at and dressed down by the coach like a child who robbed the cookie jar, I think the most disturbing fact about that evening is that those teenagers have walked away truly believing that their loss was not their responsibility.  It was someone’s else fault.  Some cheater.  Some bad umpire.  Anyone but themselves.

I did the best thing that an umpire can do in this situation…and the hardest thing.  I walked away.

All in all, it makes me truly understand two realities concerning the human nature.  1.) We desperately need God.  2.) There is indeed a devil.

SRay

Tonight at worship, the speaker (Alex Himaya) had an invitation.  As hands raised and hearts broke, as tears streamed and eyes closed, and as students made a decision to respond to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, a familiar feeling came over me.  It’s a feeling that I only experience during intense moments of the Lord’s presence.  I get that knot in my throat.  My emotions overwhelm me.  And I cry.

At first, I thought that the reason I cry is simply that I’m touched by the corporate response to the message and the atmosphere.  Indeed, that is at least the catalyst.  I think, however, that the reason I cry changes from praise to hurt.  I’m hurt in my heart because I mentally juxtapose the beautiful newness and innocence of new relationships and responses to Jesus with my own long battle of love vs lust, trust vs unfaithfulness, pain vs pleasure.

I want more.  And I know that it’s available.  And like clockwork, I continue to medicate myself by submitting to the addiction that enslaves me.  It’s like I can’t escape.  It’s like destiny is set.  It’s hell without the flames.

I am at Super Summer JV - Arkansas, an amazing Christian camp with about 6 bizillion screaming, annoying middle school kids.  It’s hosted by Ouachita Baptist University, where I received my Bachelor’s in music.  I am in my room at Daniel North (I haven’t been here since my freshmen year of college).  Outside in the hall, I can hear the manifestation of weeks of anticipation, excitement, and anxiety - unfortunately, they manifest as loud yells, clopping footsteps, and obnoxious feats of dare-devilism.

1 camp; 4 days;  900 student; 0 drugs…lol.   I think that I will need your prayers, friends.

SRay