Well, the Met regionals have come and gone. And God has blessed me to win again. I have advanced to the National Semi-finals, to be held at the Metropolitan Opera in New York City on February 17, 2008. I’m very excited about returning to the Met, especially since I know what to expect this time around and can prepare more adequately.
More profound than all this, though, was the spiritual battle that I experienced in the hours leading up to the competition. The night before the competition, I stayed at the Napier’s again (Side Note: I can’t begin to convey to you what wonderful, faithful, hospitable people the Napier family are. They are a Godsend). Now, some background. My relationship with God isn’t as consistent as it needs to be, nor has it been for some years. Nonetheless, there’s something about the anxiety of voice competitions and auditions that cause me to experience a great amount of humility (and perhaps dread) and seek out the presence and comfort of the Holy Spirit. That’s a good thing. Of course, it’s also a very pathetic thing - that when I need God (as though I don’t need him everyday), I seek Him out passionately. But when I’m feeling fine, I just kind of…ignore Him. Going on - I was preparing to go to bed around ten and began my evening prayers. They went something like this: “Father, tomorrow help me to be a good representative for your Kingdom to others who do not know you; help me also to win.” At that point, I sensed the Spirit beginning to ask me a question in response to my prayer: “What if you had to pick?” I was confused. Again, the Spirit said, “What if you had to pick between being a good representative of the Kingdom or being great artistically and winning?” I felt so terribly uncomfortable in my soul; I knew that deep down, winning Saturday was probably as important to me as being a good representative of the Kingdom to the lost. I began to haggle my myself, trying to convince myself that I wasn’t as shallow as I really felt at that moment. It was no use. I was. I was shallow. I am shallow.
I continued to pray and seek God. I called and a friend on the phone and he made me feel better about the whole thing. Then, I went to bed. I woke up and began to experience the very same feelings the next morning before the competition. Again, the Spirit was haunting me, “Will you be great in the Kingdom, or will you be great in the World?”
As you know, I won. So unfortunately, this story seems to have an anti-climatic ending. The World seemed to win out. But maybe not. I sought God throughout the entire process of the auditions and was able to communicate my faith to others in a way that was engaging, real, and Spirit-led. Then, during the judge deliberations, I paced. And paced. And talked with God. After I received the First Place, I thanked God again and again.
I think that the point that the Spirit was trying to get across was this: I can’t just seek God when it’s right and convenient for me. I need to seek Him always - because I always need Him, whether I’m honest with myself about that or not. Furthermore, there will be times when I have to make a choice between being great in the Kingdom or being great in the World. Of course, I know what the right choice is. But, the immediacy and powerful influence of the Dark Kingdom often sway me more effectively than the everlasting goodness of the Kingdom of Heaven. Above all, God is trying to get me to know that it would be better for me to choose the Kingdom always - to put it first. Always. It’s better for me. It’s better for others. It’s more glorifying to Him. It’s what I should do…always.
But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
How comforting to know that I need not seek after the fleeting desires of this dark Kingdom. God knows what I need. And as long as I seek Him faithfully, I have it.
SRay
