Tonight at worship, the speaker (Alex Himaya) had an invitation. As hands raised and hearts broke, as tears streamed and eyes closed, and as students made a decision to respond to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, a familiar feeling came over me. It’s a feeling that I only experience during intense moments of the Lord’s presence. I get that knot in my throat. My emotions overwhelm me. And I cry.
At first, I thought that the reason I cry is simply that I’m touched by the corporate response to the message and the atmosphere. Indeed, that is at least the catalyst. I think, however, that the reason I cry changes from praise to hurt. I’m hurt in my heart because I mentally juxtapose the beautiful newness and innocence of new relationships and responses to Jesus with my own long battle of love vs lust, trust vs unfaithfulness, pain vs pleasure.
I want more. And I know that it’s available. And like clockwork, I continue to medicate myself by submitting to the addiction that enslaves me. It’s like I can’t escape. It’s like destiny is set. It’s hell without the flames.
