Recently, I’ve come to recognize again (having been reminded by scripture) that life is a perpetual battle of the Spirit vs the Flesh. From spiritual birth to physical death, those who are God’s children spend their time submitting to this process of conformation to the image of Jesus Christ (we call it sanctification) and the consequent denial of the Flesh and Worldly citizenship. The paradigm of salvation is a lifetime of transformation - not a promenade down an aisle, not an emotional prayer, not an intellectual assent, not a beautiful moment of realization or regret, not a staunch commitment to justice or fairness. Those things may well be diverse parts of the transformation itself. Indeed, they may be stops along the journey. But by themselves, they are nothing more than wonderful experiences.
I’m not one to cast doubt on the salvation of another man or woman. The Bible defines salvation rather clearly in the New Testament such that each should be able to define it for himself. However, I have to come to realize that I am dissatisfied with the current status of my salvation. If we are supposed to become more like Jesus in this process (conceding the occurrence of a little unintentional backsliding now and then), all the while incrementally forsaking the Flesh and World, then my utter love and enjoyment of the things of this World is a hindrance. For me, the problem is not trying to understand why I am experiencing this idolatry. I know exactly why it exists. Rather, the problem is that I try to minister to others despite the idolatry.
Earlier tonight, I was at a youth ministry movie/hangout night at a church in Houston, where I help out on Wednesday nights with chaperoning and playing piano under the worship leader. As I began to meet students I had not seen before and initiate relationships with them, I took special care to engage them in an outgoing, but unintrusive, way. Doing such lays the foundation for any sort of mentoring or discipling relationship that might form out of my continued interest in their lives. All of this foundation laying caused me to think back to the past students I’ve mentored/discipled and how effective my influence was in encouraging them to become more Godly young men. During this extended flashback, I discovered an inconsistency between the first several years of my ministry, and the last few years. During the first few years, my exortation to my students was based around an immovable personal resolve to love God and allow Him to change me. And though my resolve is certainly still there, I find that it moves much more easily and appears now as only a skeleton of its former self. In the first few years, I knew that NONE of the problems or concerns of my students was too big for God. They all met their match in Him. And yet, now, I find that my response to these same problems or concerns is much more understanding and unchallenging - and weak. It used to be a response that declared a stubborn, excuse-less trust in God, no matter how difficult the temptation or experience. Now, it is a response that declares that some trust, yet mixes in a bit of uncertainty and implies the complete loss of one’s freedom and happiness, trading it in for imprisonment and depression. I am losing my ability to sell the Gospel. I used to sell it with utter certainty. Now, I sell it with hesitation. I used to be so certain that students could find in the Kingdom a life and community much more satisfying than what they could experience in the World. Now, I struggle to believe that fact myself, often seeking in the World what only God can provide. And it is here, toward the end of my flashback, that I began to realize something important: I cannot sell what I do not have. The reason that I cannot sell joy over happiness is because I have no joy. The reason that I cannot sell abstinence over pre-marital sexual behavior is because I myself struggle with sexual purity. The reason that I cannot sell submission to ones parents and those in authority (regardless of how unjust they may act in our opinion) is because I myself have issues with submitting to authority, especially when I’ve experienced abuse at the hands of an authority figure. I have this huge freaking plank in my eye. And it isn’t that the plank impairs my ability to see an issue clearly in the life of a student (or friend, for that matter). It’s that the plank supplies enough doubt regarding whether or not he should adhere to my exhortation, seeing as my own example provides no evidence or inspiration. It is easy to persuade a person of the goodness of trusting God whenever the fruit of that decision is clearly manifested in the life of the persuader. When it isn’t, people will almost certainly look to something else for fulfillment, and my students of late years have been no exception. I’m afraid to admit to myself the possibility (in some cases, the certainty) that, through my lukewarm stagnancy, I have misrepresented the paradigm of salvation and actually led students to make a decision for this World because the Kingdom, so far as they could tell, isn’t good enough.
SRay
